Pebbles and Parchment

I had a small, intensely grateful, pay-it-forward sort of moment today. One of those moments you don’t really see coming but looking back you know must have been inevitable all along. This one was a solid 15 years in the making, and it might take another 15 years to even see any real good come of it. My moment of gratitude? A massively flat tire.  A “thonk-thonk-thonk-whatinthe-HELL-is-that-godAWFUL-noise,” kind of flat tire.  An, “I’m on the way to pick up the kids, and then I have to drop off the dessert for the event, and I don’t think I can drive on this and I don’t know how I’m gonna make this work,” kind of flat tire. But before I could reach the gratitude I had to deliver the dessert. (Because priorities. Food is always a priority.) So I called Baby Boy and asked to borrow his car. Piling in with Monster and Beast and an armload of goodies, I turn on the car only to see the low tire pressure warning light pop on.  And stay on.  Out aga...

Dear Younger Me, You’ve spent a lifetime learning to read people- use those skills. See people for who they are. You will be shown in little, seemingly insignificant moments. The way one person treats another who’s at their lowest point shows their true character- pay attention to this. Even if it isn’t now, at some point it may be you on the receiving end… will they lift you up, or break you down? Be aware of how you treat others- how you treat someone at their lowest moment says everything about your own character, too. Talking shit says more about you than it does them, so be kind. You were born an ORIGINAL. Why the hell would you want to die a copy? Seek Love. Stop trying to be the lone wolf. Find your people and hang on tight; this will be your tribe. That person who shows up for you without expectation of something in return? Show up for them too, also without expectation. Find those people you can reconnect with even after long stretches apart. They may be fe...

Support system:    This is not the time to lone-wolf it. Who SHOWS UP for you, no matter what? Who builds you up, and pushes you to be your best self? Reach out to those people. “Don’t build a wall around your own suffering- it may devour you from the inside.” -Frida Kahlo It sucks when people you thought were friends end up bailing because they can’t deal- LET THEM LEAVE! The way a person treats someone who’s at their lowest shows you EVERYTHING you need to know about their character. Work with your doctor or healthcare professional- if you don’t have someone who makes you feel HEARD, move on! If at all possible, find a doctor whose focus is preventative/ functional medicine. They are trained to look at YOU as a whole (lifestyle, diet, stressors, obstacles), and less likely to head straight for the prescription pad. You are more than a collection of symptoms. Supplementation:  Do your research. What are the symptoms you’re dealing with? Now go ...

When I’d spent the better part of four years on meds for depression, anxiety, and ADD- and my symptoms were only getting worse it was past time to take a deeper look. When I was unrecognizable to my husband as the stable, sane, solid, handle-a-crisis and hold-it-all-together person I’d always been, and had instead become irrational, irritable, overly-emotional, and unable to follow through on the simplest of tasks, it was past time to take a deeper look. He saw a direct correlation to when I started on ADD meds to handle the workload and tasks of a promotion, and a subtle but distinct shift in my personality. I’ve normally had a high tolerance for dealing with life and whatever shit it could throw at me. Sure, I’ve had a baseline level of anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I’ve always been able to USE it, to channel it into something productive, and to fuel my ambition. I was RESILIANT, and anxiety was generally not something that CONTROLLED me. I started down th...

During a recent conversation with my husband, I was complaining about being bored. “But that’s good,” he said. The nerve of some people. “How is that possibly good? Only boring people get bored! Besides, it’s not like I don’t have lots of stuff to do, but it’s all just filler and busywork and day to day mundane tasks… I need a THING!” “No, you really don’t. Not right now. Right now you have other priorities, like getting healthy.” Heal yourself, first. The rest will come later. NOT what I wanted to hear. I’ve filled my whole life with busy, with stuff (both literal and figurative), and noise. I had no more space for creativity. The kids were out of town for most of the summer and I wasn’t working so things got… quiet. My existence pared down to the most basic level: sleep, feed myself, exercise, take my supplements, get outside, repeat. This took everything I had. After a bit, it got easier. While I was still dealing with fun things like brain zaps e...

This. This question has had my brain churning for months now. I’ve had this rolling around in the back of my head for what must be millennia. Something this basic shouldn’t be so hard- we should just know, right? We’re SUPPOSED to know what makes us tick, what brings us true, deep, everlasting joy.  And then we’re supposed to do it. Or maybe it needs to be hard. Maybe when we get lost, it takes the act of SEEKING to instill the courage and confidence to find ourselves. Because that’s what it is- an ACTION. A doing of a thing, or many things, or a letting go of things. And doing them again. And refining the process, and getting closer to our true self. “The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else.” -e.e. cummings What is that thing that keeps pulling and tugging at the back of your brain? That thing you’ve fought because it wasn’t practical, you can’t see how you could pay the bills, didn’t want to lose th...